Just The Moonlight
by PrincessAletheia
Summary: As Aaron is watching Emily sleeping, he keeps on thinking that he isn't good enough for her. What will he do? Will he leave her?


_**A/N: I've heard the song this afternoon and immediately had to write this story :) One shot. Have fun and please, please leave a review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or 'What if you' by Joshua Radin**_

Hotch lay awake in bed, watching how the moonlight drew patterns on the sheets and the sleeping beauty next to him. Her dark, silky curls were covering her face. Carefully he raised a hand to move them out of the way. He could be laying here for hours, just staring at her, the cold light making her skin gloom, almost seeming blue, her lips in a deep purple. It made him think even more that she wasn't really a part of this world, how could she ever be? She was too good and beautiful to be true. To him, Emily Prentiss was a goddess. For a while he had been believing, that one fine day she could be his goddess. Emily had always been by his side, after his divorce and after New York she didn't even leave his side when Foyet was on the hunt and he suffered from not being able to seeing Jack. And she had been there after Haley's death, as well as when he returned to the BAU. She had always been by his side

It didn't take him long to realize how much he loved having her close. He loved the feeling of the butterflies in his stomach when Emily would 'accidentally' brush him. And whenever she smiled, he felt like she was doping it just for him. She was the one to make sure he would eat, stayed longer in the office to keep him company, even long after everyone else was gone. He felt like someone truly cared about him. Someone thought of him. Aaron was glad that it was Emily who did so.

_What if you  
Could wish me away  
What if you  
Spoke those words today_

He enjoyed it when she would make him smile, it was something only she could do, and whenever he saw the surprised expression on her face, when she couldn't believe that he had been getting rid of his stoic mask for a moment, Hotch had to laugh even harder.

She was also the only person in the world, who could actually make him leave his office. He would be pouting every time, but always listen to her. Nothing seemed more beautiful to him than the soft and satisfied expression in her eyes when she had managed to make him leave. Hotch couldn't get enough of that look. Sometimes he would stay that long on pirpose, waiting for her to march into his office, abduct his files and order him to go home. After some not very convincing protests, he would simply say "Yes, Ma'am." And then they would laugh about it together, knowing that she always won. It became their ritual for every night they spent not being away on a case. He was even counting the minutes until she would appear. Aaron Hotchner always knew, when.

_I wonder if you'd miss me  
When I'm gone  
It's come to this, release me  
I'll leave before the dawn_

Hotch had an inner sense, for every thing about Emily Prentiss. Every morning he would raise his head instinctively exactly at the moment she entered the bullpen. Then he would be watching every of her steps, archivate every gesture, every expression on her face. And simply stare at her, until a knock on the door or the ringing of the phone interrupted his thoughts.

Every evening, when Hotch came home he would, if not about Jack, only be thinking about her, He knew the meaning of every movement of her lips, he needed only one small gesture to tell exactly how she felt. Hotch saw her joking with Reid and Morgan in the bullpen, her bright laughter filling the room and reaching even his office, and he imagined hearing this kind of laughter in a summer night, laying on the grass and watching the stars, wishing she was laughing just for him.

_But for tonight  
I'll stay here with you  
Yes, for tonight  
I'll lay here with you_

Aaron Hotchner knew everything about Emily Prentiss. And after a while he realized. He was in love with her.

He began touching her 'accidentally', like she always did, lightly brushed her hand, when they would bring each other coffee, always standing close to her, pair them together on cases. Hotch started seeing even more than before. She slightly blushed, and it made her even more beautiful, something he hadn't thought possible. How she flinched. And sometimes she would reluctantly, almost shy, lift her eyes up until they met his, holding more light than even the brightest stars at night. And he knew, they were shining just for him.

The first time they kissed, he knew, he would never let her go. Never let her walk out of his secure embrace. He would never ever let somebody hurt her.

_But when the sun  
Hits your eyes  
Through your window  
There'll be nothing you can do_

As they made love, their first time together, the way she screamed his name and it seemed so perfect to him, Hotch didn't think he would ever feel that happy again as in this very moment, with Emily safely wrapped in his arms. He wanted to be with her until the end of time.

He remembered every second of the day when they had told each other how they felt. How Emily's lips had formed the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. So much love had been visible in her eyes, that it took his breath away. Hotch had been speechless. He could still feel her breath on his skin, when she had softly whispered "I love you" in his ear, making him shiver, and he had wrapped his arms around her, tighter than ever before. He remembered how they had kissed and made love afterwards.

There was nothing about Emily Prentiss he didn't love. Nothing. Besides of one thing.

It had taken a long time for realization to kick in. For a while, Hotch had been sure he would be alright, that he had learned living with his past. That he could deal with everything. But he had to learn the hard way that he was wrong. There were incidents at work. Sometimes he felt like not being able to concentrate anymore at all, because he always saw Foyet's face in front of him. And Haley, bleeding, laying on the ground, dead. Jack, hiding in the box in his former office. Then again he thought having been too aggressive on a case. Not being rational anymore. Dave could tell him over and over again how wrong he was, Hotch wouldn't believe him.

_What if you  
Could hear this song  
What if I  
Felt like I belong_

He didn't talk about it to Emily. Hotch thought it would be best if he spared her the pain of hearing about his dark thoughts and feelings. His only wish was that she would always wear this beautiful smile, that enlightened the world on her face.

The day he noticed that she didn't laugh anymore or seemed to be happy at all, something broke inside of him. Hotch had vowed to himself to always make her happy, but he had done just the opposite. He hated himself for adding another point to the long list of miseries they would fight against each day. Emily shouldn't be the one to suffer from his pain.

Really, there was nothing he didn't love about her. Besides of the fact that she loved him too much.

_What if you  
Could hear this song  
What if I  
Felt like I belong_

Which was why he had to leave now. Hotch loved nothing more than watching her, when she was peacefully asleep like now, the smile that he missed so much, showing up on her face. He wondered what she was dreaming about. He wanted to lean over, take her in his arms, get lost in her embrace, her scent, the siftness of her skin and tell her that everything would be alright.

But it would be a lie. Hotch couldn't see her suffer, couldn't let her be dragged into the dark hole he was in right now, he wouldn't let that happen. He loved her more than his own life. And it was still his wish that no one would ever hurt her, not as long as he could prevent it. He had never wanted to let her walk out of his life and he knew she would never leave him, no matter how painful the situation was. That's why he had to be strong. He would leave Emily, only to protect her from himself.

_What if you  
Could hear this song  
What if I  
Felt like I belong_

Hotch sighed. His heart was breaking, being far more painful than when Haley had left him. He didn't want to go, but he knew he had to.

Hotch leaned over to the still sound asleep Emily, to breathe in her unique scent for one last time, feel her silky strands running through his fingers, feel her soft, smooth skin against his hand as he gently stroked her chin. Knowing he would never be able to do it again, he pressed his lips onto hers, moonlight-purple coloured, while despair and pain made him nearly insane.

_But when the sun  
Hits your eyes  
Through your window  
There'll be nothing you can do_

"I love you, Emily", he whispered hoarsely, then he got off of the bed to get dressed and left the bedroom without turning around again, knowing that if he did, he wouldn't be able to leave. Tears ran over his face, but he couldn't have cared less. Hotch had just lost the most beautiful and important person in his life. It was a necessary step, but knowing that didn't make it any less painful.

Hotch's belongings were packed pretty quickly, during the last weeks, he had always been taking something with him to his apartment, more and more, until there were only very few things left. His last things and his last night by her side. The most important one, his heart, would always be with her anyway. Without looking back, he turned, softly closed her apartment door so not to wake her up. Then he was gone.

_I could've treated you better  
Better than this  
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter  
Can't stay in one place_

When Emily woke up the next morning, his side of the bed was empty and cold. Instantly, tears filled her eyes. She had felt him drifting, had tried to make him open up to her, but he would always decline her offers, her requests. Even though she had seen it coming, Emily had still been hoping that he wouldn't leave, that Hotch would let her help him get through the pain

She got up and was shocked to see that all his belongings were gone. Of course she had noticed that more and more of them had left her apartment, but Emily had constantly been telling herself that there would be a simple and totally understandable reason for it. And there was. Hotch had left her. And he had planned it. Her heart was broken, she was sobbing and feeling angry at the same time. He couldn't just leave her. He couldn't do it to her. It wasn't just his decision to make. Emily wouldn't let Hotch disappear out of her life that easily.

_I could've treated you better  
Better than this  
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter  
Can't stay in one place_

Even though she knew he was gone, she had to call for him, just to be safe. And it felt strange not to do it. "Aaron? Are you here?" But deep in her heart she knew that she wouldn't get an answer.

Instead, when she entered the kitchen, she found a letter on the counter. With trembling fingers she took it

_Emily, _

_this is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be . I should have known better._

_I want you to know, that you are not to blame in anyway. I can no longer live with the thought, that I am the one who stole the smile from your lips and the light out of your eyes._

_I love you, more than I ever thought I could love someone. You have been the light in my world, are my sun, my moon, my stars, my everything. Because of you my life seemed so incredibly bright for a short while. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Emily Prentiss, the most wonderful person that I've ever met._

_Unfortunately, I am not the best thing that has ever happened to you, I'm the opposite. I can no longer see you suffering, watch you not enjoying your life anymore, because that's what happened since I was with you. I can no longer make you unhappy, Emily. You deserve someone better than me, someone, who brings the smile back to your lips and the light back in your eyes._

_I will always love you, Emily. There won't be anyone else after you. You've shown me what true love is. When I was with you, it always felt like being in the most beautiful dream. Whenever the moonlight would shine on us, leaving everything else in the shadows, I thought, this could be forever. It seemed so perfect. But then sun would rise, showing me all my mistakes without any mercy._

_I have loved this dream with all my heart and I have loved having dreamed it with you by my side. But now we have to wake up, Emily, and face reality. It was wonderful, but it was just a dream._

_Please don't cry, my love, this is what's best for you. There is nothing I want more than you finding true luck with someone who really deserves you and doesn't take joy out of your life._

_I love you, Emily._

_Forever yours, Aaron._

_  
But when the sun  
Hits your eyes  
Through your window  
There'll be nothing you can do _


End file.
